FPIES Update

It’s March? My baby is almost 9 months old? HOWWWW does this happen time and time again?! I wanted to come on here quickly (because I can never find the time to write) and update everyone on our progress.

Since our initial diagnosis and acute event with oats, she was put on “gut rest” until about the middle of January. We got the OK to begin food trialing at home. She has been passing everything so well! Bananas, Pears, Peaches, Apples…I have tried Pumpkin and a few other veggies however she is determined she will NOT eat those. Being an 8 month old however, she really wanted some finger foods to eat on her own. Rice is a big FPIES trigger so I have been avoiding anything with rice flour- which would be ALL the baby finger foods ๐Ÿ˜ฆ puffs, mum mums etc. I did find Quinoa squares that are banana and broccoli. She LOVES THEM. Chalked this up to a great find as they are nutritious and she has not had a reaction to them.

We started to wonder if little girl even had this so called FPIES. Though her initial reaction was pretty darn ‘text book’ she hadn’t been having any reactions to anything else? I had assumed she was clear on broccoli because she was getting it in the quinoa bites every day. I found an organic baby food pouch that had only apples and broccoli in it so I ASSumed it was safe, and treated it like a passed trial food. Last night was her second night eating it and she went crazy eating almost 2 entire pouches! She was bathed, nursed and went to bed.

BOOM .

When you wake up to your baby screaming at night it startles you. When you go in to find her drenched in her vomit and crying, you want to break down and cry. She wouldn’t open her eyes, she was just crying into my chest. Of course I turned on the light and woke my husband up. The wonderful world of FPIES is so. damn. frustrating.

“Is it the Broccoli?”

“Did she eat too much?”

“She doesn’t seem in pain, is this an FPIES reaction?”

All she wanted was to nurse so I nursed her and rocked her and she fell back asleep fairly quickly. Still covered in green vomit. She had no stomach pains, no more vomiting, peacefully sleeping in my arms. Her body temperature did seem rather cold but she was OK. She ended up sleeping VERY well the rest of the night even for her!

This morning I am left with SO MANY freaking questions. Was it Broccoli? Do I stop the pouches? Do I stop the quinoa squares even though she has never reacted to them? I am thankful for her allergy Dr. whom I can message all these questions too. However, there is NO ONE who can really give me a definitive answer. There is no blood test that can show me what she will react to, there is NO list of magically foods that will trigger her or not.

It definitely gave me a quick slap in the face though. Because she has been doing so well I got careless. I started experimenting with what I thought would be safe and it didn’t end well. Back to being crazy careful, cautious and obsessive with her.

Thank you to EVERYONE who reached out to me after my last post. I seriously was overwhelmed with the love and support I got from family, friends and STRANGERS! It helps knowing I live in a community where I can grow and learn from other moms.

On a happier note, Em is now full blown crawling. Which means a training course for the other kiddos in the house who LOVE to leave very small things on the floor all the time! She is cutting her bottom two teeth at the moment and is absolutely so much fun. We will continue food trialing and I will update again around her 1 year mark when we do dairy and oat in hospital trials! Thank you again guys, really truly thank you!

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our sweet Emilia.

Hi. My name is Alison and I have FOUR kids now ๐Ÿ™‚

I hadn’t logged on to WordPress since my last post 2 years ago almost. Time has flown and we have been blessed with yet another amazing child. Our fourth, and final babe was born in June of 2017.

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Emilia Elizabeth. A perfect 8.3 pounds. She came on her due date and came out with a wink and smile, showing off her adorable dimple. A red head I might add. Four kids and the only ginger. I sat there counting fingers and toes the night she was born. Like every other one of my babies. Thanking God for their perfect little bodies and health. I wondered like most mothers how I could get so lucky. What I would do If something were wrong. Surely I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Surely I was given healthy children because I wasn’t capable of the emotional side effects of a non healthy child. I will forever praise my in-laws for their parenting, personal, marital coping skills while going through my husbands Cancer when he was 10. I still will never be able to understand the level of anxiety, fear, love that they dealt with on a daily basis. The mind block and ,mind SET you have to have. Compartmentalizing your life just to get through a day. All of this brings me to today. What compelled me to write a blog post after nearly 2 years?

My husband and I used to joke around when I was pregnant and say how calm, easy and “go-with-the-flow” she would be. She was a fourth child, there for she would have to be easy. We thought. We imagined her personality being sweet, calm, quiet, friendly, everyone’s friend. When we picked her name, we even found a website that listed those same qualities. We knew it would fit. She would be the light in the room. Make everyone happy and be a lover. When she was born she fit right into our expectations. I wasn’t expecting her fiery red hair..that was new ๐Ÿ™‚ Having my last baby never sleep, ever, I was delighted to have her start sleeping 5-6 hours the night we brought her home. She really was our perfect little baby. That was until week 2. Colic set in. Or so we thought. Whatever Colic may be, Doctors don’t really even know. She was screaming, SCREAMING bloody murder far more than the text book 3 hours, 3 days a week for 3 weeks. It was an all day event. We literally couldn’t leave our house. She would scream in the car, she would scream wherever we were. No consoling. I had 3 other kids on summer break and we couldn’t leave our home. The first 3 months of her life were absolutely exhausting. I couldn’t find the good in anything. I was exhausted, bitter, angry, short tempered and not myself. It was hard to see who she was or who she was becoming because it was masked by crying and neediness. This breaks my heart. Knowing what I know now, looking back. My sweet baby had no other way of communicating what was wrong or how she was feeling. My oldest, who is now 11, had a milk protein allergy as a baby. He couldn’t handle my breast milk and by age 6 months I switched him to Neutramagin and he was 100% improved. Colic gone, pooping normal. Happy baby. At age 1 year he was successfully on whole milk. Emilia was sensitive to everything. Everything made her gassy, she started only pooping once every 7-10 days. I took her to 3 pediatricians. I ended up educating 2 of them on things I had tried that even they didn’t know of. I felt hopeless and frustrated. I was offered no help. If another doctor told me “Oh, they are babies and they cry. Colic sure isn’t fun” I was going to punch them. My baby was in pain and I couldn’t help her. Our parents wouldn’t watch her because they were scared of her. She refused a bottle and screamed. WHO would want to?

Slowly as 3 months approached we began to notice some improvements in her crying. It wasn’t ALL day. She was still extremely needy, but not as colicky. I tried cutting out some known items from my diet for breastfeeding but honestly couldn’t tell a difference. I decided I was DONE breastfeeding since I had basically been doing it for 3.5 years now and tried formula. NOPE.ย  She wouldn’t even get a drop in her mouth. 6 bottles, 3 different formulas. NOPE. So that was out. She was gaining weight normally and starting to get happier. We got a referral to a GI specialist and was put on an appointment list for 6 months from then.

And then it became time to try out solids. She was 5.5 months. It was my moms birthday dinner at home and we were so excited to try out Organic baby oatmeal. Not sure why I tried that instead of Rice cereal..but it looked good. Instead of thawing out some of my breast milk I thought it would be easier to useย  some Neutramagin formula to mix with it since it was in the cupboard. Hopefully fill her little tummy up some more. (Note- she had stopped sleeping good at 3 months. She now sleeps in hour increments cue eye roll.) We all sat down, put her in her high chair and she ate like a champ! She loved it. Thank goodness. I was so happy she was actually showing interest in food. She hadn’t up until then. She ate quite a large portion of the oatmeal mixture I made. After dinner we did bath time like usual, pj’s, nursed and then off to bed. At this point she was sleeping about 3 hours initially and then up every hour or so the rest of the night. Usually screaming from stomach pain, gas and farting. I usually have to massage her belly in the middle of the night. After she had been asleep exactly ONE hour after I put her down I saw her squirming and crying. I was so frustrated. I went in and put the bink back in and walked out. She continued to stir and cry. It had been EXACTLY 2 hours since she ate. my husband and I laid down to go to bed when I heard her choke. I got up immediately (she is still in our room) and started panicking. She was vomiting HEAVILY. I flipped her over and patted her back as she threw up all the oatmeal. Covered the entire crib. It didn’t stop. She kept heaving. Her eyes would bug out and she was struggling to heave and throw up. It was not baby spit up, it was not projectile vomiting. It was full on adult style vomiting. I panicked and switched the light on and ran to the bathroom. My mom was in the living room sleeping and we all huddled around her in the bathroom. She was exhausted and scared. She had no fever, I knew it wasn’t the flu. She hadn’t been exposed. No one else was sick. I thought of the oatmeal. I knew it had to be something with that. She continued to vomit every 10 minutes for 4 hours. All that was left was Bile. We almost went to the ER. She became cold, lethargic and almost non responsive. Being my fourth kid I didn’t want to run to the ER for no reason or be “that” mom. I should have. She slept that night on my chest as I was TERRIFIED. In my life I had never heard of nor seen a baby throw up that way. I was on my phone all night googling.

6 month old. Oatmeal. Vomiting. Surely something or someone has blogged about this. And I was right. Here began our F.P.I.E.S journey.

I had never heard of this before. I began reading a blog post that sounded exactly like the one you are reading. I thought “OMG this is my child” I read the bit about the first FPIES reaction. It was what happened to Emilia. I knew it. Everything I read further and further seemed so spot on.

FPIES (pronounced: F-pies) is a severe delayed food allergy reaction in the gastrointestinal system (the gut), it is understood to be a T-cell mediated (Non-IgE immune) response in which food is considered a toxin to the body.

Shock. What I didn’t know what was happening to my tiny baby at that time, was that she was going into shock. Her body thinks any and all food/milk protein is a toxin and rejects it. She vomits until she goes into shock with lethargy, low blood pressure and body temperature and unresponsiveness

I called her pediatrician the next morning and left a message stating what had happened. She wanted to get an upper GI. She immediately was thinking a block in her upper GI. Again, don’t ask me how, I knew this wasn’t the case. I couldn’t explain the type of traumatic vomiting that she had done to anyone. They assumed threw up once and done. I researched pediatric GI clinic in our area to try and get in sooner. I got in to a ARNP at a local PGI. I went in, explained “my story” he listened. I brought up FPIES. He had never heard of it before. He googled it and said he was 90% sure she didn’t have that. I trusted what he thought and said and let it go. He ordered a Celiac panel and food allergy testing. I sat there and restrained my 6 month old while they poked around to find a tiny vein. They weren’t able to get “enough” out for the food allergy tests so I would have to go back. A week went by and they wouldn’t give me results of the Celiac on the phone. As nice as the ARNP was, I didn’t feel he was knowledgeable enough to treat my baby. I scheduled with the Doctor. He had 20 plus years at Marybridge Hospital as a Pediatric GI Dr. I explained “my story” again. Though, this time I did not tell him that I thought it was FPIES. He kept smiling at me as I spoke. I stopped and apologized for having an hour long story of my child’s life. I was desperate for someone to understand. For someone to tell me what was wrong with my child.ย  He could tell. He said ” I know exactly what is wrong with your daughter.” He said is so matter of fact. I said “YOU DO?”

“Your daughter has FPIES.” I started cry laughing and said how I had come to that conclusion myself. I was crying because I was so incredibly happy to have a diagnosis. I was soooooo happy to hear someone knew what was wrong. Because that’s the first step. I had to immediately stop all foods for her. Nothing. Not a single thing other than my own breast milk. I had to eliminate all top 8 allergies form my own diet. No Dairy, no eggs, nuts, soy. Literally nothing. I went home and researched the CRAP out of it. I started crying again. It wasn’t good. Not a good thing at all. There are support groups for this specific syndrome. My anxiety grew by the second until I put down my phone and just stopped.

Another annoying fact about my husband and I. We used to joke around about kids with food allergies. We had never experienced it in our lives before. We would get frustrated when a note was sent home for one of the kids classes that they couldn’t have nuts in their class. We thought it was a lifestyle choice their parents were choosing for them, not a life or death situation. It was an inconvenience in our lives. I am so sorry mommas. I apologize for my naivety. My own daughter cannot eat. Like, she can’t have anything or she might go into shock. We have to start food trials in a couple weeks with her allergist. I fear I might need Xanax to get through them. We trial one specific food for 9 days. If she passes it is considered a “safe” food. She will/can have a vomit to shock reaction from any of the foods in which we will have to go straight to the ER. The fear of Failure to Thrive is very near to us now as she can’t have anything other than breast milk. She cannot have formula either. She can have a special kind called Neocate and that’s running $50 a can. If she will take it.

Now that I have eliminated everything from my diet, literally, she is HAPPY. No more massaging her tummy in the middle of the night. No more gas. She still doesn’t sleep, still doesn’t poop normal but her personality is what we projected on her those 6 months ago. She is hilarious, smart, so funny and so feisty. There are still days she breaks out into a full body rash. I go crazy trying to figure out what I ate that gave her a reaction. I will never know. But we know what’s going on, we know the steps to take to start this long, exhausting, scary journey.

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I have only told close family and friends about our discovery. I didn’t want to be “that” mom that was over sharing about their child’s food allergies. I finally got over myself and realized that by writing this..I could help another mom googling at 2 am trying to figure out what is wrong with their child. I could post this on my personal facebook and MAYBE a friend has experience with this and could help. I am spreading the word about FPIES because it’s terrifying and not well known. In the meantime Emilia is currently lighting up every room, making people laugh, smiling from ear to ear. She truly has brought SO MUCH INCREDIBLE joy to my family. She is the little being we didn’t know we needed and I am so so happy she is ours.

 

If you made it to the end of this blog thank you. From the bottom of my “momma” heart thank you.

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“Are you really still nursing?”

*Quick disclaimer. I am writing this with a light heart, and no hard feelings. I do not honestly care what people have said, will say, I am purely writing this for fun. And for the other mom’s who do feel self conscious about this subject. *

That being said…

“Oh my God Becky, look at her boobs. They’re so big. She’s like one of those toddlers moms or something. Ew.” That’s basically what it feels like right ladies? We have all seen the buzzfeed videos and the “viral” 5 reasons why you shouldn’t breastfeed. But I feel like it is worse than just random people staring you down. I personally do no nurse in public. I did, when my baby was very little and he needed to be fed every couple of hours. Do you want me to stay home all day and do nothing? But even so, I usually did it in a restroom that catered to nursing moms or in the car parking lot. I did this because it made ME feel more comfortable. Not because of other people. Does it bother me when other moms did it? No. Not one bit. Did it bother me when I was at the mall play area and a woman whipped it out with no cover, no shelter no care in the world that my 7-year-old son was staring at her? Yes. Yes it totally made me uncomfortable. There is a common courtesy people should give…I mean come on.ย  But like I was saying, it goes beyond strangers.

I nursed my first-born for 6 months, my daughter for 6 weeks and yes, yes I am still nursing my 15 month old. Did I plan on going this long? No. My goal was a year. I am a stay at home mom and I felt that it was best for my baby and our family. Now 5 months past my goal it’s still happening. Whether it’s my comfort or his it is still working. He is still a baby, hardly a “kid.”ย  I still enjoy it and so does he? I usually only nurse at night-time, and during the night. This wasn’t planned, but it’s what we do and that’s OK. I’m sorry, does my nursing in the privacy of my home, at night bother you??? Oh I didn’t realize I was affecting other people, by doing this.

“Are you going to be one of those people who nurse their baby till he is 5?

“Are you going to be one of those moms who nurse until the kid starts asking for it?”

“Were you planning on nursing this long?”

“Please don’t be one of those moms.”

WHAT is one of those moms? Who are these horrible mother’s feeding their kids? I want to meet one and give herย  a piece of my mind. It’s truly disgusting that a mother would enjoy feeding and bonding with her child past the age of 1. Ugh.

I love my family and friends that are so concerned for my baby and mine well-being, but I think we got it covered. I think we will manage. No, I personally will not be continuing past 18 months. For my own personal reasons, not for YOUR reasons.

Again, I am not truly offended by the comments I get when I mention I am still nursing. I laugh and smile. But for all the other women who are enjoying this VERY SHORT period of time with their baby and are getting crap for it…WHO CARES! ๐Ÿ™‚

Don’t let the boobies fly but let the milk flow

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The big Yellow, Magical Bus

Let me start off by saying… Ms. Frizzle was an extremely patient, talented super goddess. She not only enriched the brains of Wanda, Keesha and Ralphie every single day, but she was so happy about it! Trying to entertain my little “love bugs” for even 30 minutes was a unreal situation. Every day they went to school and got to ride The Magic School bus. Wow. That must be pretty cool. Good job Ms. Frizzle. At the age of 27 this bus has a whole new meaning to it now. It’s the large, brightly colored thing on 4 wheels that comes through my neighborhood at the beginning of September that brings me sanity. It’s like it’s very own “Calgon take me away” commercial. Don;t get me wrong…I love my kids more than anything on this planet. BUT I just don’t think any combination of humans should be put under one roof every single day, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week together. It’s not right.

The summer break came SO fast. BAM Alison has a baby, her third baby and then WHAM school is out for the entire three months of summer. It was an adjustment to say the least. The kids at day 1 started fighting and tattling.

{ A side note on tattling. My husbands grandmother came over the other night for a quick visit and got to see our crazy hectic bed time routine. I forget which child of mine this was but they began to tattle…over and over. She told me that one of her daughters..I won’t say who ๐Ÿ˜‰ used to tattle ALL the time. She said she fixed it by tying a yarn tail to her pants and making her wear it out and about all day. I said “That’s brilliant. You are an awesome mom.”ย  So someone try this and get back to me..k? }

I again had the mom guilt issue of not providing endless hours of entertainment for the kids all day every day. WHYYYYY? I write blogs on this, I speak of this why can’t I convince MYSELF It’s ok to let them play by themselves?! Regardless, we did do lots of super fun things this summer..and I managed to tag a baby along and breast feed in many interesting places. Nursing at a zoo..now that’s fun. I swear people were staring at me nourishing my infant more than the monkey’s doing it in the back ground. GET OVER IT. #breastisbest

I also love how everyone asks the same question… “Do you just love staying home with your kids?” Well there are numerous answers to this. Yes..of course. I feel so blessed I am able to have this experience and closeness with my kids. It’s exhilarating exhausting but I am thankful. I know it is worth every second for me and them. And then there is the other response only my close friends and family get. “GOD NO.” Of course this is always said for the dramatic enhancement. It is so bloody exhausting playing referee with two kids all day long every single day. The manners disappear, the rules start to get more grey and everything kind of falls apart in the summer. Like i said above, It is not a natural thing for this many people to be around each other 24/7. It’s just not. I honestly believe they get excited to go to school to get a break from the nagging mom too. Which is fine.

I went back and looked at this same kind of “back to school” post I did last year and it’s SO funny noticing the difference in how I felt. I had just started staying home and everything was fresh and new and I had never gotten to be one on one with the kids before. They were so happy to have me home and play all summer. I wasn’t pregnant, didn’t have a baby…so we did just that. Played. Then school came and I was almost sad…HAHAHA. Life happens in 12 months doesn’t it?!

So now for the bring it all together-positive end to my thoughts. There always is a positive side- usually ๐Ÿ™‚

Henley started Kindergarten this year. We wouldn’t let her ride the big kid bus last year because well, she just wasn’t a big kid yet ๐Ÿ™‚ Watching her take a giant step up on to the bus that first day absolutely brought tears to my eyes. I forget so often just how little she is. How she looks up to me for guidance, approval and even style ๐Ÿ™‚ She is my little human replica. Her eagerness to try new things and learn is beyond amazing. I am so excited to see her thrive in school and make new friends this year.

And Liam. My 96 month old. Starting 2nd grade this year was so weird for me. Like, I have an eight year old? How? At the beginning of Kindergarten he was scared, afraid, and unsure of how he felt about learning and if he was capable. He cried when he felt dumb and felt ashamed for not knowing things other kids did. He had little confidence in himself which broke my heart. Now, starting second grade. My above third grade reading level little man was confident. He knew he could read better than most kids, could write a beautiful story and illustrate it like a pro. He had so much strength this year walking on to that bus and it made me so so happy. The growth I have seen in him is beautiful.

My almost 4 month old still loves spending every second with me…literally. And I him. Brent asked across the kitchen the other night… “I know why you love him the most….because he doesn’t talk” I said “I don’t have a favorite, but yes. You’re correct.” I get to spend my days with this little dude and I could not be more excited. He is probably one of the easiest, happiest baby’s I have encountered. He just loves everything and everyone. Pure Joy.

SOOO The Big Bus is my best friend right now…I am sure it will still be in a few months..maybe by next May I will get sad …but maybe not.

Hashtagilovemykidsipromise

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What it feels like.

What it feels like to:

BE A MOM OF 3. Well it feels exhausting, tiring, joyful, tearful, heart is going to burst out of my chest with love, hair is going to fall out from stress, dirty, hilarious and most of all, AMAZING.

Yes, I have been gone some time now. In fact I believe too long. This blog was started to help get all my thoughts, emotions and love of writing out..and I haven’t been able to in a long while. I can talk and text about all my feelings but for some reason when I find a quiet moment to actually sit down and write it out..I feel good. I feel validated by myself I suppose. That all the hard days and good days all mean something because I can put them into a more beautiful picture with words.

So I had a baby, another baby ๐Ÿ™‚ The birth story was quite boring…all went blessedly well and he was perfect. He IS perfect. The little human Brent and I created was 7 lbs 14 oz and 19.5 inches long. He decided to come out “sunny side up” which made it quite difficult for momma to push out. But like I said, it all went well. He is now 7 weeks old and I can barely type that out without choking back the tears. UGH. It happens so fast you barely get to experience it! He has shown so much personality in these few weeks it is incredible. Smiling, cooing, laughing and interacting with each member of our -not so little anymore- family. Liam and Henley have been so amazing with him I could not have imagined it going any smoother! Of course at the beginning we had a few little jealousy issues with them but it was not directed towards the baby, which I was thankful for. They both know they are loved and I have tried taking the split spare seconds throughout the day I have to spend that one on one time with them.

-break- baby is crying. Creative flow SQUASHED.ย 

There have been many many MANY sleepless nights so far, lots of gassyness (baby of course), a few mean words shed between a tired mom and dad AND lots of yelling at kids that of course went no where. I’m spreading the truth people..not just all the glamour ๐Ÿ™‚ I do have to say though, this has been a MUCH easier transition from no kid to 1 kid and 1 kid to 2. I feel so much more prepared. Like the pee coming at me in the middle of the night isn’t as bad when you have another diaper ready to go. And the way to get a baby to calm down is obviously to walk around the house in circles 60 times and whatever you do-for the love of God- DO NOT SIT DOWN. ย The first week was emotional. Not just because we were so happy to finally meet our little one, but because every hormone in my body was ripping out of me. Don’t look at me, I’m so fat, I can’t handle all this noise, I love you, you don’t do anything around here. Emotions so confusing my family needed a neck brace. Including the dog. But my favorite “swing” was at the end of the first week. I was sitting on the couch with a sleeping baby while my family was at the dinner table eating dinner. Nothing was going on too crazy but I was experiencing anxiety (the wonderful world of hormones). I told Brent and he was like “honey, everything is fine, we are all OK. And though I knew this I still could feel my heart beating out of my chest. He went upstairs to get the older kids in bed and when he came back downstairs I was bawling, staring at my 1 week old little boy. Brent looked horrified. I said “I just love him so much.” My heart definitely grew one trillion times with the birth of Luca. Like they say, you can’t imagine a life without them in it now. It’s like they have had a place in your heart since before you even knew they were a possibility.

I feel I have adjusted pretty darn well. Especially since the kids got out of school for summer break not 2 weeks after I had a newborn baby. YIKES. Craziness has commenced. The feeling I am not entertaining my kids every day and nourishing their brains every second has kicked in. NOPE, I am over here like “Cereal is downstairs if you want to eat breakfast and you can pull a chair up to the fridge if you really need that milk.” They have learned to accept this and rely more on each other, which isn’t such a bad thing anyways.

what does it feel like to finally feel complete and have so much love in my life? ย Triumphant.

  • ย  full of pride at victory: displaying or feeling great pride in having achieved a victory ย  ย 

This little family of mine is my victory. And I do take great pride in all my ups and downs and screaming and crying and loving and awing.

<I also tale great pride in the fact that half of this post was completed using one hand and a squirmy baby on my lap>

I WIN ๐Ÿ™‚ย 

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No one told me you have to stand on your head…

I am BACK! It has been a long while since I have sat down and just started writing. I have all these thoughts and ideas going around my head throughout the day..days..months..and I haven’t stayed true to the blog!! It has been a busy couple months since we last spoke. School, Football, Soccer, Halloween and now Thanksgiving. OH and WE’RE HAVING A BABY!

The real reason I have not been able or wanting to blog is due to the fact that I have been the most miserable, depressed, sick person for the past 3 months. Let me take a step back into something a little more personal here on how all this came about.

My husband battled Osteosarcoma when he was 10 years old and it is a blessing he came out with only10 surgeries, chemo and a wonderful lengthy life to live. However, when he was in college he was told he would probably never be able to have children of his own due to the chemotherapy he received and age of his developing body. Fast forward numerous years when we met…the best day of his life I am sure ๐Ÿ™‚ I had 2 beautiful little ones…Henley was just 7 months old and Liam was 1 week past 3. I knew the minute we started talking he loved children. He adores kids, all kids, even ones that are not his. After dating for 2 and a half years it was known we would eventually get married and my children would become his. But I knew that deep down, even though he said that would be enough…he wanted a wee one of his own. Me, being the woman…wanted to give this to him so so very badly! I knew I wanted more kids and that we both wanted a large family someday to huddle around a Christmas tree with. We knew we had time so we didn’t push anything or feel the need to be concerned yet.

Our lives were leading us into the direction of thinking of another child at this time. We had been happily married for nearly a year and our oldest, Liam, was going to be 7 in the coming months and our youngest, Henley was going to be 5. The discussion was easy, quick and joyful. Yes, we would start trying for a baby in the next few months. Now this whole event in our lives comes as very new territory for me. Blessed as I am with two healthy beautiful children…I had never planned ahead for them ๐Ÿ˜‰ I had never had to due math, calculations, timing, and gymnastics to get a child before! After a month I figured OK well we should be pregnant by now. And when we weren’t…I would secretly be disappointed. After another month, I would almost cry..that doubt and fear we both had only grew stronger. The third month came and went even with extreme calculations on my end. The question of “How did I possibly get pregnant before?!” truly was a mystery to me. I had no clue how difficult physically and mentally this process would be.

[side note: I do NOT want to discredit people who actually do go through years of trying to conceive and years of medical help and interception. I am very grateful for my children that I do have and I do realize there are SO many others in worse positions..this is just my story. ]

And the fourth month arrives. My mother’s questioning ear every time she calls is getting more depressing and my close friend’s are as positive as they can be. I was done being disappointed every time I peed on a $15.00 plastic stick. I no longer wanted to make it such a BIG thing in my life that the 5 days leading up to a period was as nerve racking as ever!! So this month I told myself I was not going to tell a soul when my period was due, if I felt any early symptoms or not and I was just going to put it in the back of my mind. This worked quite well considering my period was due the day after school started for both my kids. I had been with my husband’s aunt all day and we had touched briefly on how hard it was waiting to conceive and she was mentoring me with her own stories. I came home, kissed my husband goodbye as he left to go to his fantasy league (lol) and I went upstairs to get ready for my night out with my mother-in-law..she was taking me to The Eagles concert! I have NO idea what made take a test at that precise moment considering I was only 2 days late…and had NO symptoms at all. I literally sat it down on the counter and walked away. I returned…flipped on the light…literally rolled my eyes and said out loud to myself..”oh surprise..another negative…” I hadn’t even looked at it yet. But as I did, I would soon see a light second line that made my heart come out of my chest. Getting to experience that excitement, overjoy and happiness was the coolest thing I could imagine. I had not gotten to experience that reaction in the past..and it was long awaited.

Of course the months leading up to this I had been on Pinterest looking up cute ways to tell my husband, family and friends. I had it all planned out how to tell Brent all cute. NO WAY. I ran to get my phone, hands shaking uncontrollably. “BRENT BRENT BRENT. WE’RE HAVING A BABY!!!!!” Brent: “What? huh” What did you say?” Me: “WE ARE PREGNANT!”ย  (my high pitched squealing voice was not going through very well on the receiving end) Brent: “Are you serious? I did it?!” At that momentย  I wanted to cry. Not only could we share this moment of complete excitement together…but this was something much much more for him. The years of feeling doomed and not manly enough to do what he wanted to do..and cursing the Cancer that made it impossible for him to do so. I could only imagine what that moment felt like for him.

Telling his parents might have been even more awesome. A mother who had to watch her son fight for his life at such a young age and now watch him be tormented with the thought of that too taking away something so important for him. When we told her.. the tears and joy on her face were overwhelming for me. I felt so proud to be carrying such an important little person!!

Now fast forward 3 months…Brent has been hands down the best partner, husband, friend to a pregnant lady I have ever known. I have been a nightmare. Nauseated 24/7, vomiting some days all day long and unable to get out of bed. Washing dishes, vacuuming, cleaning, cooking and raising 2 children while I moan in bed and over the toilet. He has not complained….ONCE. He only asks what he can do, and how he can make me feel better. As awful as this is for him to see me in such rare form…he knows it is because I am busy making something he created…and he is in awe.

Being pregnant twice in your life and going through labor twice in your life kind of makes you feel like a know it all. I feel more confident this time around with things, and like I kind of, somewhat know what I’m doing. I really don’t though. This pregnancy could not be more polar opposite of my last two. I had perfect, no vomiting, no breast tenderness, no constipation pregnancies two times over before this. Why would it be any different, I thought. HA. Any and every symptom you could imagine and read about, or watch in a movie has been this pregnancy. I have been the most anti social person for 3 months, my kids don’t even recognize me anymore!! Mommy is sick and can’t make you food, bathe you or play with you has been a daily event. They think this baby is mean at this point.

Welcoming the second trimester now and only threw up once this morning. This must be the start of feeling better ๐Ÿ™‚ We still have a long road to go but I am so thankful I get to walk it with my positive, nurturing husband. I feel so blessed to get to go through this part of life again. I know what is at the end of this journey and I am so excited to start loving another little child as much as I do it’s siblings.

To not feel alone through all of this I have been following a Youtube vlogger and fellow blogger. She is on her second pregnancy just 4 weeks ahead of me and I watch her videos and read her blogs daily.ย  There is something so comforting about knowing someone is going through the exact same thing in their life and getting tips and advice is wonderful. She shared the thoughts and feelings most people are too embarassed or afraid to do and for that I am thankful. Her, her husband, their daughter Emelia and their 6 dogs have a Youtube show they update daily in Ireland. I highly suggest checking it out, even if you are not pregnant. Just click the link below to be linked to her blog and there you can find links to their youtube sites.

http://www.annasaccone.com

Stay tuned for more pregnancy adventures and a gender reveal right before Christmas!!

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